So I pretty much was up all night just thinking. My problems aren't going to be easily fixed. At all. It's gonna take a lot of hard work on my part. I've always hated myself. Growing up I was told if I ate something I'd get fat, or I was already fat and shouldn't eat. I learned from my mother that the best way to look your best was to exercise until you want to die... and stop eating. I went through high school hungry. I was always dizzy. I fainted more times than I can count. And ya know what? It worked for the most part. I was a size 3 or 5 depending on the day. But no matter how small I got, I was never good enough. Even at 120 pounds I was not happy. And I looked gross. I looked pretty, but I looked in the mirror and hated myself. I went through everyday of my life hating myself. After high school it didn't seem to matter so much. I thought... "hey it's college, nobody is perfect." So instead of not eating all day just so I could go out and drink, I would eat a ton of food, and then go out and drink... and that was my day, everyday. I really let myself go. But during that time... I was happy with my body. I didn't constantly think about food. I didn't constantly think about what foods I was putting into my mouth. And it was nice. But now, I just feel like you deserve someone hot. Someone skinny. I want to lose weight, and look better for you. But in my mind, no matter how skinny I get, it's never going to be enough for myself. I know you love me no matter what. But I really am having a hard time accepting it. I know you would rather me look the way I am now, and be happy, than be skinny and miserable. But I want to look good.
I'm going to be honest, I have no idea how to be healthy. Or to lose weight in a healthy way. I've never done it before. My solution was exercise nonstop, and stop eating. But I don't want to be like my mom. At 40 years old, she still resorts to crazy exercise and throwing up to lose weight. I don't want to be like that. I don't want our children to grow up thinking I'm nuts. Or grow up thinking the only way to be pretty is to not eat. I want them to be happy with themselves no matter what. I want them to know they are always beautiful... Something I never knew growing up. Something at 21 years old I still don't know. So in order for that to happen, I have to learn to love myself no matter what. I need to love me as much as you love me.
It's going to be hard. I'm going to actually have to learn how to be comfortable in my own skin, and also learn how to be HEALTHY. I don't know how to do that but I'm going to try. Losing weight to be used to be simple. Don't eat. But I don't want to be like that again. I'm going to have to eat like a normal person. A healthy person. And not try to kill myself working out. I guess it would be beneficial to invest in a "healthy" cookbook. It's going to be hard. But it's something I have to do.
But I never want you to think that just because I am unhappy sometimes, it's because of you. I love you so much, and you are the only real happiness I've ever had in my life. This unhappiness has been with me my whole life, but I've realized that as long as I have you, I am perfect. I am beautiful no matter what because no matter how fat I get, the smile that is on my face when I think of you is beautiful. I just need to work on my self image.
I love you. So freakin much. I've always loved you. I still love you. And I always will. You are my reason to smile everyday, and you are my reason to love myself. You don't know it, but you really saved me. I love you so much.
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