So yesterday was shitty. The plumbing fucked up again. Ugh. But anyway. Today I weighed in at 147.4. So total I've lost 9lbs!! Which is amazing since I've never been able to lose weight after taking the depo shot. I've only managed to gain it. So this is something special! All I have left is 10-15lbs more to lose. Lately I can't really tell though. I feel like I look just as fat as I was 9lbs ago. Hmm. Maybe once I lose a few more I'll feel like I look better. Oh well. This is an amazing accomplishment for me.
After talking to you yesterday I got soo excited! If you were to come home sometime in January... Well, that would be freakin amazing! If that's the case, then R&R is pretty much the end. I can't wait =] Like I said, at the end of July it'll be 3 months till I can see you. And 3 months doesn't sound bad at all. I'm soooo excited!!!!
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Thursday, June 9, 2011
6/9/2011
Babe! It's been over 2 months since I last wrote on here. Since Tumblr is NOT private, and this is more than that, and since you never read it anyway, I'll write here =]
So it's been over a month since you left, and I must say, TIME IS HAULIN' ASS!!! June is just going and going and hopefully it'll be gone soon. I seriously love you more and more and more every single day. You make me so proud and all I want to do is make you proud of me too. Operation: Get Sexy is happening! I'm feeling sooo much better about myself too. Hopefully tomorrow I can cross one thing off my to-do list. Cause tomorrow I'll be under 150 (hopefully). And I did it by eating the exact same as I normally do, just a tiny bit less, and exercising. But anywho.. I love you so much more than words can even say, so I'm just gonna say, I LOVE YOU.
So it's been over a month since you left, and I must say, TIME IS HAULIN' ASS!!! June is just going and going and hopefully it'll be gone soon. I seriously love you more and more and more every single day. You make me so proud and all I want to do is make you proud of me too. Operation: Get Sexy is happening! I'm feeling sooo much better about myself too. Hopefully tomorrow I can cross one thing off my to-do list. Cause tomorrow I'll be under 150 (hopefully). And I did it by eating the exact same as I normally do, just a tiny bit less, and exercising. But anywho.. I love you so much more than words can even say, so I'm just gonna say, I LOVE YOU.
Saturday, April 2, 2011
4/2/2011
So I pretty much was up all night just thinking. My problems aren't going to be easily fixed. At all. It's gonna take a lot of hard work on my part. I've always hated myself. Growing up I was told if I ate something I'd get fat, or I was already fat and shouldn't eat. I learned from my mother that the best way to look your best was to exercise until you want to die... and stop eating. I went through high school hungry. I was always dizzy. I fainted more times than I can count. And ya know what? It worked for the most part. I was a size 3 or 5 depending on the day. But no matter how small I got, I was never good enough. Even at 120 pounds I was not happy. And I looked gross. I looked pretty, but I looked in the mirror and hated myself. I went through everyday of my life hating myself. After high school it didn't seem to matter so much. I thought... "hey it's college, nobody is perfect." So instead of not eating all day just so I could go out and drink, I would eat a ton of food, and then go out and drink... and that was my day, everyday. I really let myself go. But during that time... I was happy with my body. I didn't constantly think about food. I didn't constantly think about what foods I was putting into my mouth. And it was nice. But now, I just feel like you deserve someone hot. Someone skinny. I want to lose weight, and look better for you. But in my mind, no matter how skinny I get, it's never going to be enough for myself. I know you love me no matter what. But I really am having a hard time accepting it. I know you would rather me look the way I am now, and be happy, than be skinny and miserable. But I want to look good.
I'm going to be honest, I have no idea how to be healthy. Or to lose weight in a healthy way. I've never done it before. My solution was exercise nonstop, and stop eating. But I don't want to be like my mom. At 40 years old, she still resorts to crazy exercise and throwing up to lose weight. I don't want to be like that. I don't want our children to grow up thinking I'm nuts. Or grow up thinking the only way to be pretty is to not eat. I want them to be happy with themselves no matter what. I want them to know they are always beautiful... Something I never knew growing up. Something at 21 years old I still don't know. So in order for that to happen, I have to learn to love myself no matter what. I need to love me as much as you love me.
It's going to be hard. I'm going to actually have to learn how to be comfortable in my own skin, and also learn how to be HEALTHY. I don't know how to do that but I'm going to try. Losing weight to be used to be simple. Don't eat. But I don't want to be like that again. I'm going to have to eat like a normal person. A healthy person. And not try to kill myself working out. I guess it would be beneficial to invest in a "healthy" cookbook. It's going to be hard. But it's something I have to do.
But I never want you to think that just because I am unhappy sometimes, it's because of you. I love you so much, and you are the only real happiness I've ever had in my life. This unhappiness has been with me my whole life, but I've realized that as long as I have you, I am perfect. I am beautiful no matter what because no matter how fat I get, the smile that is on my face when I think of you is beautiful. I just need to work on my self image.
I love you. So freakin much. I've always loved you. I still love you. And I always will. You are my reason to smile everyday, and you are my reason to love myself. You don't know it, but you really saved me. I love you so much.
I'm going to be honest, I have no idea how to be healthy. Or to lose weight in a healthy way. I've never done it before. My solution was exercise nonstop, and stop eating. But I don't want to be like my mom. At 40 years old, she still resorts to crazy exercise and throwing up to lose weight. I don't want to be like that. I don't want our children to grow up thinking I'm nuts. Or grow up thinking the only way to be pretty is to not eat. I want them to be happy with themselves no matter what. I want them to know they are always beautiful... Something I never knew growing up. Something at 21 years old I still don't know. So in order for that to happen, I have to learn to love myself no matter what. I need to love me as much as you love me.
It's going to be hard. I'm going to actually have to learn how to be comfortable in my own skin, and also learn how to be HEALTHY. I don't know how to do that but I'm going to try. Losing weight to be used to be simple. Don't eat. But I don't want to be like that again. I'm going to have to eat like a normal person. A healthy person. And not try to kill myself working out. I guess it would be beneficial to invest in a "healthy" cookbook. It's going to be hard. But it's something I have to do.
But I never want you to think that just because I am unhappy sometimes, it's because of you. I love you so much, and you are the only real happiness I've ever had in my life. This unhappiness has been with me my whole life, but I've realized that as long as I have you, I am perfect. I am beautiful no matter what because no matter how fat I get, the smile that is on my face when I think of you is beautiful. I just need to work on my self image.
I love you. So freakin much. I've always loved you. I still love you. And I always will. You are my reason to smile everyday, and you are my reason to love myself. You don't know it, but you really saved me. I love you so much.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
3/31/2011
So. I think I enjoy working out. I feel a lot less lazy, and at least now I can't bitch about how fat I am, blah blah blah. IMMA GET SEXY for you =]
But anyway, I'm bored. And I really really really miss you. 16 more days until I get to see you! I can't wait for cuddles, and cuddles, and more cuddles. ITS SO FLUFFY! That's how I feel just thinking about you.
PS. Can you tell the Army that I hate it today? I just want you home.
But anyway, I'm bored. And I really really really miss you. 16 more days until I get to see you! I can't wait for cuddles, and cuddles, and more cuddles. ITS SO FLUFFY! That's how I feel just thinking about you.
PS. Can you tell the Army that I hate it today? I just want you home.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
3/29/2011
I'm feeling very insignificant and unimportant today. And kind of irritated. Hopefully I feel better in the morning
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
3/23/2011
I want to cry. I'm just so excited. I miss you so much. I miss your hugs, your kisses, everything. I just want to hold you and pretend that we aren't going to be separated again. Pretend that our life isn't totally fucked up right now. I can't wait to hold you.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Today
Days like today make me love you even more. Even if it is just us two for the rest of our lives, I'm ok with that. Most couples have children to "complete" their family, or to just add more love, but I think we are already complete, and we have all the love we need. I love you sooo much =]
I HATE BEING AWAY FROM YOU. Thank God this isn't forever. 365 days seems like forever. But its really not. 12 days down, 353 to go =] Ha. I hate seeing that number. 30 days until you get leave. 41 until you leave. I really dislike the fact that I live by countdowns. By numbers. Someday we will have a happy countdown =] Just not soon enough
I HATE BEING AWAY FROM YOU. Thank God this isn't forever. 365 days seems like forever. But its really not. 12 days down, 353 to go =] Ha. I hate seeing that number. 30 days until you get leave. 41 until you leave. I really dislike the fact that I live by countdowns. By numbers. Someday we will have a happy countdown =] Just not soon enough
Saturday, March 12, 2011
3/12/2011
I'm soo bored. I really can't wait until you get leave. I miss you so much. I really can't believe they are taking you away for two months before you deploy. BS in my opinion. Oh well.... March 2012.... I can't wait =] Next year will be better. Hopefully we can be together the WHOLE year for our 3rd year of marriage. I love you =] =]
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